Well, it’s been really, really sloppy.
But it’s the kind of sloppy that makes me cringe and smile at the same time. I know it’s not the year end yet, but things has gotten really overwhelmingly new lately that I have to write them down. That, and I also wanted to recover my writing voice (if I still have it).
I started 2015 with no expectations, no set goals, no resolutions. Somehow, I still knew that it was going to be better. So I treaded through the days – sometimes really slowly, oftenimes clumsily fast. Started the year by hopping on a plane to Cebu with people I barely know, for purposes I didn’t clearly understand.
I also hastily decided to move to a new place with my cousin, despite knowding how inaccessible the place was for me. My previous place was just a 15-minute walk from my office. I even had my own CR. I lived, quite miserably in that new place. I had to deal with my overly-attached, nosy, and anti-boyfriend landlady. I slept to the loud laughs of guys having their post-basketball drinks. I’m not good at bad decisions. For years, I’ve always been so careful and safe with my decisions.
Later, I was going to find out that it won’t be the first and last decision that I was going to make. The recurring theme of my days turned out to be: hasty decisions – regrets – damage control.
More unwelcome circumstances followed, including my lolo’s health, which certainly tested the family’s strength. It tested my sanity. It also taught me how irrelevant money is, once health gives in. In the middle of that, I managed to sneak in more impulsive travels, hoping to getaway and forget temporarily. I reached an almost non-existent savings account. My mind was constantly crowded. It’s far from what I’m used to. Strangely though, I find myself craving for the younger, easier years less.
The present preoccupies me a lot. I still have those bouts of fear of the future, but they don’t shake me as much.
While writing and vaguely admitting the messes I’ve had in the past months, I realized that most of them happened because I was alone in my decisions. I consulted my parents less about where to go, what to do with my money, what to do with my life. It came with the freedom I got the moment I decided to move out. Do I regret it? No. I’m finally able to make my own mistakes, and fix them too. It’s tough and a little lonely, but I also get to do what I’ve always wanted to do. Decorate my own room, do my own laundry, go home whenever I want, and explore more places. I get to be really carelessly young, never mind if it’s a little too late at 25.
I moved to a new place now. A better, more accessible and private one. I’m starting to recover my savings. I’m opening up to new people, who make me think about the future less.
I even feel directionless, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s a good feeling, not being compelled by any uncertain goal.
Too many exciting things unfold once you just let it all go and flow. It’s going to be another sloppy ride ahead, and I’m ready!