This morning, I found myself wishing that my usual 10-minute ride to the office will be extended.. for an hour or more. I wasn’t ready for another office day. The lack of motivation is draining but I’ll try to fight it until I no longer can. Meantime, here’s what you and I can do to when we hit motivation-deficiency at work: Continue reading
Well, it’s been really, really sloppy.
But it’s the kind of sloppy that makes me cringe and smile at the same time. I know it’s not the year end yet, but things has gotten really overwhelmingly new lately that I have to write them down. That, and I also wanted to recover my writing voice (if I still have it).
I started 2015 with no expectations, no set goals, no resolutions. Somehow, I still knew that it was going to be better. So I treaded through the days – sometimes really slowly, oftenimes clumsily fast. Started the year by hopping on a plane to Cebu with people I barely know, for purposes I didn’t clearly understand.
I also hastily decided to move to a new place with my cousin, despite knowding how inaccessible the place was for me. My previous place was just a 15-minute walk from my office. I even had my own CR. I lived, quite miserably in that new place. I had to deal with my overly-attached, nosy, and anti-boyfriend landlady. I slept to the loud laughs of guys having their post-basketball drinks. I’m not good at bad decisions. For years, I’ve always been so careful and safe with my decisions.
Later, I was going to find out that it won’t be the first and last decision that I was going to make. The recurring theme of my days turned out to be: hasty decisions – regrets – damage control.
More unwelcome circumstances followed, including my lolo’s health, which certainly tested the family’s strength. It tested my sanity. It also taught me how irrelevant money is, once health gives in. In the middle of that, I managed to sneak in more impulsive travels, hoping to getaway and forget temporarily. I reached an almost non-existent savings account. My mind was constantly crowded. It’s far from what I’m used to. Strangely though, I find myself craving for the younger, easier years less.
The present preoccupies me a lot. I still have those bouts of fear of the future, but they don’t shake me as much.
While writing and vaguely admitting the messes I’ve had in the past months, I realized that most of them happened because I was alone in my decisions. I consulted my parents less about where to go, what to do with my money, what to do with my life. It came with the freedom I got the moment I decided to move out. Do I regret it? No. I’m finally able to make my own mistakes, and fix them too. It’s tough and a little lonely, but I also get to do what I’ve always wanted to do. Decorate my own room, do my own laundry, go home whenever I want, and explore more places. I get to be really carelessly young, never mind if it’s a little too late at 25.
I moved to a new place now. A better, more accessible and private one. I’m starting to recover my savings. I’m opening up to new people, who make me think about the future less.
I even feel directionless, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s a good feeling, not being compelled by any uncertain goal.
Too many exciting things unfold once you just let it all go and flow. It’s going to be another sloppy ride ahead, and I’m ready!
I meant to blog about our anniversary trips every year but two months after, I really don’t know what to say, anymore. So I’ll just share our itinerary and never-before-seen pictures for the sake of this anniversary blog tradition. LOLzie.
Here’s our 2-day itinerary as public commuters:
This is not the kind of blog entry I had in mind while still anticipating my first ‘real’ hike at Samal’s famous Mt. Puting Bato.
Ours is quite a different story. Though we consider our self lucky to have made it to the peak with our body parts in tact, we weren’t lucky enough to evade the cruel intentions of some humans who basically thrive on stealing campers’ things.
I have an active gym membership and I use it reguarly.
Believe me, whatever judgments you have about gym memberships, I had them too.
It’s too impractical.
It’ll make me fat when I stop.
I don’t like being around a lot of people.
I don’t like weights.
There are free ways to exercise.
The list could go on. For a time, I tried to avoid admitting I go to the gym due to the fear of being judged, and the pressure to manifest results. You know, girl issues. Imagined audience and perspective.
Inspiration hit me late this year. But after a hectic yet happy start, I’m nowmore pumped for a little goal setting for my scattered-brain self.
This year will be all about
Most of the time, I try to veer away from missing you too much, because I cannot do anything about the longing, anyway. Each time I feel the “I miss you” thug, I just leave an I Miss You sticker, and that’ll often suffice.
But today isn’t one of those days. I don’t want to leave a Viber sticker, and I cannot avoid missing you too much. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong, yet, because I’m not even sure what it is exactly.
I know you know me to be someone who refuses to feel alone or lonely. Instead, I feel extremely burdened, and it just gets really difficult to function normally when that happens. So, what I really want to do now is to get out of the office, and hangout in either of your houses. Watch a feel good movie, cry over it. Then, we can talk, after a good movie, and a bucket of random tears. We’ll probably laugh at our overly dramatic selves, too.
And I’ll feel better, lighter.
After spending most of our days trying to pull things together by ourselves, it just really feels cathartic to reach out and run to friends who will listen to your silence, who will not force you to be fine, who will still gladly cradle you even when you’re at your worst.
“Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown”
-Push, Sarah McLachlan
PS : I feel lighter now, after writing this. :D